At Last

Snow!

Excitement. 

Trouble sleeping.

Ready. 

Happy.

Anxious.

Cold.

Finally.

Victory.

Christmas Came Early

To whoever seriously gives a crap,

I think the lead singer of the band The Wombat's sang this well in their song Moving to New York, "I don't know why I want to voice this out loud, it's therapeutic somehow." I agree it helps to write things down and get it out. That way I don't have a monster eating me from the inside out. I may have waited to long to write this, but hopefully the saying holds up once again for me, better late than never. 

I need help! I feel lost, confused, empty, no path, wandering, wondering, going nowhere, and scared. My closest friend lives in Michigan. I hardly get to talk to her. We may talk once a week if that for a brief little while. We text quite a bit, but seriously that's not the same as hearing that person's voice on the other end. I miss my cousin a lot. 99 days out of 100 she is someone that can make any person smile. The type of person you want to be around. I'm so thankful for her and so glad she is part of my family!

Christmas vacation officially started for me today. YAY......right? Not so much for me. I'm just glad I don't to sit in those stupid classes anymore, and don't have to study crap that annoys me to death. I'm not happy. I feel pretty lousy right now. You can call me the Grinch this year. I have no excuse not to be happy. I have a family who loves each other, I am healthy, I just got a new car, I have a good job, school is out, I have friends who want to hang out and they aren't even back from school yet, I got to snowboard on Saturday, I live in America, I am free to write this, I have been in God's Word most every night, I believe in God, I know if I die tonight I will go to Heaven, I know I'm a Christian, but I feel so empty and lost in this world. 

I probably shouldn't say this on here, but I am gonna say it anyway. I said it earlier to Ashley, "All I know is I don't want to be here anymore." 

20th Round

All right. Let me set this up. I’m sitting in my big, green, comfy chair in the Barn. I’m wearing a new Etnies shirt and ThirtyTwo beanie I got today, and my white Under Armour shorts. My MacBook sitting on my lap with iTunes opened up my Skullcandy Skullcrushers once again plugged in with Timmy Curran’s Word of Mouth album playing through the speakers.

I just got home from work about a hour ago. It was a fun, boring day at work. The ThirtyTwo snowboard boots rep came into the shop today and gave Matt, Rich, and I a clinic on their boots. The rep’s name was Ryan. Cool dude, knew his stuff and gave us an awesome clinic.

Once work was over my brother, Brian, called and wanted me to come over for a bit. “Sure, yeah, shweet. I’ll be by in a few.” I get there and it’s the usual, “hey”, “What’s up” crap. We started talking a little bit and slowly but surely I managed to piss off my easily irritable big brother. I told him was leaving and left. Uh..imagine that.

So now I’m home, should be studying, but yeah I don’t care about anything right now. I don’t care. Sad. Right? Sure I guess. I have a lot on my mind right now. Like what in the world is going on with my life right now? I don’t know. Does anyone on earth know? Seriously, please answer my questions.

I was talking to my friend Seth’s girlfriend, Emily, for a little bit tonight. She tried to help me out and told me that the stuff that happens to us in life happen for a reason and God has a plan for us. I agree with Emily, but I told her that I’m basically struggling to hold on to it. I feel like it round 20, my eyes are swollen shut, I don’t know where I am, my head is ringing like church bells, and I am barely able to stand. And on top of all that I’m angry now. GREAT! That helps….not. All someone has to do is flick me and I’ll fall over and be done, but I know in the back of my head God is right there to catch me when I fall.

A few thoughts here. First off, do I have to fall? Can God catch me before I fall if I ask Him to help me? I think the answer to the first question is no and the second question’s answer is yes, but here is my dilemma. All these thoughts are in the complete back seat of my brain. In front of it is my earthly solution. I just need someone to grab me now before I fall and help me out of the ring and just help get me back into shape, because there are going to more fights. I don’t want to fall. I want help, but from just sitting here typing this up I am realizing how much I need to trust God and stop with all the crap I am trying to put in His place in my life. 

Everything

My friend Keri and I were studying tonight and I had my music playing. She mentioned a few days ago that she loves Lifehouse so I clicked on them tonight. She told me a story about how in high school she would fall asleep listening to this song over and over. I started listening to it like I do most songs. Just listening to the music and not paying attention to the lyrics. Keri told me to pay attention to the lyrics, so I restarted the song. This is what I heard.

 

Everything by Lifehouse

 

Find Me Here

Speak To Me

I want to feel you

I need to hear you

You are the light

That's leading me

To the place

where I find peace, again.

 

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.

You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.

You are the light, to my soul.

You are my purpose, you're everything.

 

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

 

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.

You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.

You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.

Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

 

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

 

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need

You're everything, everything

You're all I want, you're all I need

You're everything, everything.

You're all I want, you're all I need.

You're everything, everything

You're all I want, you're all I need.

You're everything, everything.

 

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better, any better than this.

 

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

 

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

 

 

When I was sitting there listening to the words all I could think of was God. I don't know if the singer for Lifehouse was singing about a physical person and the love he had for this particular girl, but I couldn't visualize that for me. I've never had the type of love for someone that is sung in this song. The love God has shown me is the only love I know and am beginning to understand it. I don't know what you think of when you read these words, but if you are a Christian or even if you aren't I think this is a very good description of the love God has for us!

 

p.s. Thank you Keri for making me listen to this song!

Busted! DUI!

Alone in the barn sitting, reading, listening, and thinking once again. I feel encouraged from talking to friends, I feel confused by the world, I trust and believe because that's all I feel like I can do now. I have read a small book about what God's will is for me. I just finished it tonight. My church is going through a study title, Get Uncomfortable. I sure feel uncomfortable. I'm not even doing the study. 

I learned from this book that God's will is to be saved, Spirit-filled, sanctified, submissive, and suffering. I am struggling in a few of those areas. The author continues on in the last chapter to say the final step is to do whatever you want! Can I do whatever I want if I'm not living out one of the five previous steps the book mentions? I don't think so. If I'm not one of those things, but I am doing whatever I want really isn't what God wants. Confusing? Let me try to clarify. If I am following those five principles, then the things I want to do is given to me by God. My heart and my faith is where it should be and because of that God will give me what I want, because it is what He wants also. I hear people say all the time these days, "If you want something in life you have to put your all into and you will get it." I use to believe that, but I have changed that now. I believe that if I trust and follow God, He will give us what we want, because it is His will for us. It is important though to remember to not get discouraged when God closes a door on you. It takes persistence. I haven't had persistence lately. I follow God for a while then He closes a door on me and I just give up. I need to stop doing this off and on relationship with God. It doesn't work for a boyfriend and a girlfriend to have an off and on relationship. The relationship doesn't grow and develop and blossom. 

I have to lose my pride! Number one! I haven't thought of myself to be prideful and to have a huge ego, but if I am trying to control my life on my own, then I do have pride. It's like a drunk driver, they don't think they are drunk and they try to drive home. That ride home let's say is going to heaven. That drunk driver is swerving all over the road never really in control, but they think they are. Right now for me, I feel like I have been pulled over and given a DUI. It is good for me. God is telling me to stop! I need help. I have to surrender my life, car in the analogy, and let God take the wheel. God is my designated driver and He will help me get home, to heaven!

I don't know where I am going with all of this right now. I feel like I know what I am saying and it is right. But the Devil is trying to confuse me right now through my tiredness and make me think that I am just rambling on and on, but I know God is sitting right next to me on my couch looking at me and saying, You are getting it Beny! I feel encourage tonight to know where I am in this crazy, messed up world. I am a son of God, and I am love and I don't have to worry about where my life takes me because God is driving my car! It doesn't mean however that life is going to be easy. Life is only getting harder for me, and I know this because I see it. The closer I get God and follow Him, the more the Devil is trying to pull me away from God. It is time for me to brace myself and hold on to God during this storm. I find peace and strength in God and He is my Lord, my Rock, my Foundation, and my Friend who is always there for me to take refuge in! I LOVE YOU GOD!

Peace and Love friends

I am nothing

God is awesome! Yesterday, my friend Biff, who happens to be the Smith Optics rep gave me a call at work. He wanted to sponsor me! Earlier I took a Biology test and was confident that I did a pretty bad job on it, it was confirmed this morning another D. I was discouarged throughout the rest of the day until I got the call from Biff. I thank God for allowing me to get sponsored and I pray I don't become proud and cocky. I don't know what God has in store for me later on, but right now I am trying to focus on Him and give Him all the praise. Without God, I am NOTHING! I still want to say thank you Biff, thank you Smith Optics. Thank you for giving me this opportunity. I can't wait for it to snow now!

Peace and Love

Pray for snow!

Beliefs

What do you believe in?

I believe in God! I think if you use profanity it reflects nothing but negative thing about yourself. I believe school should be in session during the summer and out during the winter. I think money doesn't make you happy. I believe friends are the most important thing in life behind God. I believe music keeps me alive.I believe having passions in life are from God. I believe you should follow those passions. I believe if you find a job you love you will never work a day in your life. I know global warming doesn't exist. I think drinking alcohol just to get drunk or to have a "good" time is foolish. I don't think alcohol is bad. I believe in love. (yeah I said it, let's not get all lovey dovey now) I think I suck at relationships. I think I suck at talking to girls. I know I think about girls too much. I think I'm annoying. I think I talk to the same people too much and that I annoy them. I think my friends are the best. I think making someone feel like crap in front of other people to make yourself feel good is foolish. I know I talk too much. I think helping little kids in anyway is super important.