At Last

Snow!

Excitement. 

Trouble sleeping.

Ready. 

Happy.

Anxious.

Cold.

Finally.

Victory.

Christmas Came Early

To whoever seriously gives a crap,

I think the lead singer of the band The Wombat's sang this well in their song Moving to New York, "I don't know why I want to voice this out loud, it's therapeutic somehow." I agree it helps to write things down and get it out. That way I don't have a monster eating me from the inside out. I may have waited to long to write this, but hopefully the saying holds up once again for me, better late than never. 

I need help! I feel lost, confused, empty, no path, wandering, wondering, going nowhere, and scared. My closest friend lives in Michigan. I hardly get to talk to her. We may talk once a week if that for a brief little while. We text quite a bit, but seriously that's not the same as hearing that person's voice on the other end. I miss my cousin a lot. 99 days out of 100 she is someone that can make any person smile. The type of person you want to be around. I'm so thankful for her and so glad she is part of my family!

Christmas vacation officially started for me today. YAY......right? Not so much for me. I'm just glad I don't to sit in those stupid classes anymore, and don't have to study crap that annoys me to death. I'm not happy. I feel pretty lousy right now. You can call me the Grinch this year. I have no excuse not to be happy. I have a family who loves each other, I am healthy, I just got a new car, I have a good job, school is out, I have friends who want to hang out and they aren't even back from school yet, I got to snowboard on Saturday, I live in America, I am free to write this, I have been in God's Word most every night, I believe in God, I know if I die tonight I will go to Heaven, I know I'm a Christian, but I feel so empty and lost in this world. 

I probably shouldn't say this on here, but I am gonna say it anyway. I said it earlier to Ashley, "All I know is I don't want to be here anymore." 

20th Round

All right. Let me set this up. I’m sitting in my big, green, comfy chair in the Barn. I’m wearing a new Etnies shirt and ThirtyTwo beanie I got today, and my white Under Armour shorts. My MacBook sitting on my lap with iTunes opened up my Skullcandy Skullcrushers once again plugged in with Timmy Curran’s Word of Mouth album playing through the speakers.

I just got home from work about a hour ago. It was a fun, boring day at work. The ThirtyTwo snowboard boots rep came into the shop today and gave Matt, Rich, and I a clinic on their boots. The rep’s name was Ryan. Cool dude, knew his stuff and gave us an awesome clinic.

Once work was over my brother, Brian, called and wanted me to come over for a bit. “Sure, yeah, shweet. I’ll be by in a few.” I get there and it’s the usual, “hey”, “What’s up” crap. We started talking a little bit and slowly but surely I managed to piss off my easily irritable big brother. I told him was leaving and left. Uh..imagine that.

So now I’m home, should be studying, but yeah I don’t care about anything right now. I don’t care. Sad. Right? Sure I guess. I have a lot on my mind right now. Like what in the world is going on with my life right now? I don’t know. Does anyone on earth know? Seriously, please answer my questions.

I was talking to my friend Seth’s girlfriend, Emily, for a little bit tonight. She tried to help me out and told me that the stuff that happens to us in life happen for a reason and God has a plan for us. I agree with Emily, but I told her that I’m basically struggling to hold on to it. I feel like it round 20, my eyes are swollen shut, I don’t know where I am, my head is ringing like church bells, and I am barely able to stand. And on top of all that I’m angry now. GREAT! That helps….not. All someone has to do is flick me and I’ll fall over and be done, but I know in the back of my head God is right there to catch me when I fall.

A few thoughts here. First off, do I have to fall? Can God catch me before I fall if I ask Him to help me? I think the answer to the first question is no and the second question’s answer is yes, but here is my dilemma. All these thoughts are in the complete back seat of my brain. In front of it is my earthly solution. I just need someone to grab me now before I fall and help me out of the ring and just help get me back into shape, because there are going to more fights. I don’t want to fall. I want help, but from just sitting here typing this up I am realizing how much I need to trust God and stop with all the crap I am trying to put in His place in my life. 

Everything

My friend Keri and I were studying tonight and I had my music playing. She mentioned a few days ago that she loves Lifehouse so I clicked on them tonight. She told me a story about how in high school she would fall asleep listening to this song over and over. I started listening to it like I do most songs. Just listening to the music and not paying attention to the lyrics. Keri told me to pay attention to the lyrics, so I restarted the song. This is what I heard.

 

Everything by Lifehouse

 

Find Me Here

Speak To Me

I want to feel you

I need to hear you

You are the light

That's leading me

To the place

where I find peace, again.

 

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.

You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.

You are the light, to my soul.

You are my purpose, you're everything.

 

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

 

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.

You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.

You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.

Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

 

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

 

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need

You're everything, everything

You're all I want, you're all I need

You're everything, everything.

You're all I want, you're all I need.

You're everything, everything

You're all I want, you're all I need.

You're everything, everything.

 

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better, any better than this.

 

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

 

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

 

 

When I was sitting there listening to the words all I could think of was God. I don't know if the singer for Lifehouse was singing about a physical person and the love he had for this particular girl, but I couldn't visualize that for me. I've never had the type of love for someone that is sung in this song. The love God has shown me is the only love I know and am beginning to understand it. I don't know what you think of when you read these words, but if you are a Christian or even if you aren't I think this is a very good description of the love God has for us!

 

p.s. Thank you Keri for making me listen to this song!

Busted! DUI!

Alone in the barn sitting, reading, listening, and thinking once again. I feel encouraged from talking to friends, I feel confused by the world, I trust and believe because that's all I feel like I can do now. I have read a small book about what God's will is for me. I just finished it tonight. My church is going through a study title, Get Uncomfortable. I sure feel uncomfortable. I'm not even doing the study. 

I learned from this book that God's will is to be saved, Spirit-filled, sanctified, submissive, and suffering. I am struggling in a few of those areas. The author continues on in the last chapter to say the final step is to do whatever you want! Can I do whatever I want if I'm not living out one of the five previous steps the book mentions? I don't think so. If I'm not one of those things, but I am doing whatever I want really isn't what God wants. Confusing? Let me try to clarify. If I am following those five principles, then the things I want to do is given to me by God. My heart and my faith is where it should be and because of that God will give me what I want, because it is what He wants also. I hear people say all the time these days, "If you want something in life you have to put your all into and you will get it." I use to believe that, but I have changed that now. I believe that if I trust and follow God, He will give us what we want, because it is His will for us. It is important though to remember to not get discouraged when God closes a door on you. It takes persistence. I haven't had persistence lately. I follow God for a while then He closes a door on me and I just give up. I need to stop doing this off and on relationship with God. It doesn't work for a boyfriend and a girlfriend to have an off and on relationship. The relationship doesn't grow and develop and blossom. 

I have to lose my pride! Number one! I haven't thought of myself to be prideful and to have a huge ego, but if I am trying to control my life on my own, then I do have pride. It's like a drunk driver, they don't think they are drunk and they try to drive home. That ride home let's say is going to heaven. That drunk driver is swerving all over the road never really in control, but they think they are. Right now for me, I feel like I have been pulled over and given a DUI. It is good for me. God is telling me to stop! I need help. I have to surrender my life, car in the analogy, and let God take the wheel. God is my designated driver and He will help me get home, to heaven!

I don't know where I am going with all of this right now. I feel like I know what I am saying and it is right. But the Devil is trying to confuse me right now through my tiredness and make me think that I am just rambling on and on, but I know God is sitting right next to me on my couch looking at me and saying, You are getting it Beny! I feel encourage tonight to know where I am in this crazy, messed up world. I am a son of God, and I am love and I don't have to worry about where my life takes me because God is driving my car! It doesn't mean however that life is going to be easy. Life is only getting harder for me, and I know this because I see it. The closer I get God and follow Him, the more the Devil is trying to pull me away from God. It is time for me to brace myself and hold on to God during this storm. I find peace and strength in God and He is my Lord, my Rock, my Foundation, and my Friend who is always there for me to take refuge in! I LOVE YOU GOD!

Peace and Love friends

I am nothing

God is awesome! Yesterday, my friend Biff, who happens to be the Smith Optics rep gave me a call at work. He wanted to sponsor me! Earlier I took a Biology test and was confident that I did a pretty bad job on it, it was confirmed this morning another D. I was discouarged throughout the rest of the day until I got the call from Biff. I thank God for allowing me to get sponsored and I pray I don't become proud and cocky. I don't know what God has in store for me later on, but right now I am trying to focus on Him and give Him all the praise. Without God, I am NOTHING! I still want to say thank you Biff, thank you Smith Optics. Thank you for giving me this opportunity. I can't wait for it to snow now!

Peace and Love

Pray for snow!

Beliefs

What do you believe in?

I believe in God! I think if you use profanity it reflects nothing but negative thing about yourself. I believe school should be in session during the summer and out during the winter. I think money doesn't make you happy. I believe friends are the most important thing in life behind God. I believe music keeps me alive.I believe having passions in life are from God. I believe you should follow those passions. I believe if you find a job you love you will never work a day in your life. I know global warming doesn't exist. I think drinking alcohol just to get drunk or to have a "good" time is foolish. I don't think alcohol is bad. I believe in love. (yeah I said it, let's not get all lovey dovey now) I think I suck at relationships. I think I suck at talking to girls. I know I think about girls too much. I think I'm annoying. I think I talk to the same people too much and that I annoy them. I think my friends are the best. I think making someone feel like crap in front of other people to make yourself feel good is foolish. I know I talk too much. I think helping little kids in anyway is super important.

Trusting

"the clouds start snowing, i guess its gonna be okay" -Scott Sullivan

I don't know why I started off with that line from one of Scott Sullivan's songs. Anyway lately I have been trying to trust God more and stop trying to control my life. I really don't know what this means. Yeah I know what trust is, but... Let me back up a little bit. When I use to hear people say they need to trust God more, I thought it was silly. Honestly that's what I thought. I thought its easy to trust God. If you are a Christian I thought that was basically it, God was in control and you didn't have to worry anymore.

Lately, I have felt far from God, looking back on it. I have always been praying and going to church, but I haven't been in the Word at all. Pray is how we talk to God, going to church is how we have fellowship with other Christians, but being in the Word is how we grow and learn more about God. Being in the Word is the most important thing, I think, to bring you closer to God. And by not reading the Word and being too "busy" with my life and only caring about myself I have wandered away from God. 

I feel like I mention Nicole quite a bit. I guess its because I talk to her a lot about this. I also talk to Michelle about this a lot lately. These two awesome ladies have helped me realize this. Nicole has helped me by just talking and listening and giving advice.  Michelle made the comment when we first started talking and she found out I was a Christian, you don't seem like the God type. Or something along that nature. It was kind of a shocker and an eye opener to me. Thank you Michelle and Nicole!

I try to live a life pleasing to God. I'm no where near perfect, and I mess up hundreds of thousands of times a day. But God forgives me even before I do screw up. Maybe that is one of my problems. I know God is going to forgive me so I go ahead and do somethings intentionally knowing it doesn't please God. 

Back to trusting God, doing that isn't trusting God. It's saying I want to do this because it's my life and God will forgive me anyway.  Am I that far away from God to find my way back to Him on my own? I guess I'm not alone, Michelle and Nicole have been helping me. It's up to me now I think to make the choice to truly trust God or just continue with the way I have grown accustom to.  It's hard, I want to have fun, but I know I can have fun with God, He did invent it. 

Peace and Love  

Two Thoughts

Do you ever have those moments where you hear something on the news and you get the feeling like you've punched in the gut with a strong upper cut? You get a reality check. Like the world doesn't seem so big anymore. People's complaints seem pathetic and you want to tell them to grow a pair and get over it. 

Yeah.

 Another thought. If someone told you to pray for someone who you have never met, know absolutely nothing about, and gave you no reason why you should pray for this person, would you? Could you? 

Try it.

Anxiety

Anxiety sucks! I'm constantly day dreaming in Nutrition class. Mostly dreaming of the upcoming snow season. I sit there looking out the window looking at the trees whose leaves are changing colors every day. The trees block my view of the foothills, which block my view of the mountains. 

My mind is always off in the mountains, visualizing runs, where all the little bumps and dips are, and where all the fun natural jibs are on the mountain. I see myself, almost as clearly as I am seeing the screen in front of me now, flying down the right side of Cascade hitting the fun little roller. Bounce little backside 180's off the first one, switch ollie the second, and cab 360 the last one. Cut into the trees, through the wide open banked snake run, pumping for speed to clear the cat track at the end. Carry your speed to the little hip jump that throws you into the slow area. Super fun run! 

Snap!

I'm back in Nutrition class. I haven't heard the last 5 minutes of information Sarah has been teaching us. Then anxiety hit me. I haven't been on my boards for over 5 months and I have to try to wait patiently for just 1 more month. My heart is usually pounding because I am so anxious. I don't like that feeling very much sometimes.

Uncomfortable

All right. Back to writing again. I don’t know where to begin, but I will try to use the tips Dan taught me in all the English class I took with him. I’m listening to Explosions in the Sky right now. The song is titles First Breath After Coma. That’s a cool name for a song. Anyway, today was an interesting day for me. It started just like any other Monday, wake up in the Barn, walk down the stairs and across the lawn into the house through the back door. My mom says Good Morning Beny. I mumble out a hello and head to the back bathroom to take a shower. I step out of the shower and dry myself up sing along with the radio, which is set to Bob FM, throw my clothes on and grab my phone. Crap! I’m running late yet again. I jump into my red Subaru Outback that has seen better days before I owned it, and headed off to school. I went through my school routine. Wait, that’s all my life is right now. A routine, same thing every single day. No wonder today was different. After school I head to the Sporthaus.

Justine is back from school for the week and she greeted me with a big hug and a smile. That’s always nice. I helped her on the main floor with socks for a bit, but then headed downstairs to the basement. After a little bit of doing nothing I feel my phone vibrate. I reached into my right front pocket of my American Eagle bootcut jeans and grabbed my phone. 2 New Text Messages, it read. Cool. I pressed ok to check them. My mom sent me one a half hour earlier to remind me about my dentist appointment at 1.30 and the other was from Nicole. Hey how’ve you been? It read.

It took me a second to register it to my brain, and then I thought awesome. I haven’t chatted with her in a little while. We started chatting and I clocked out of work to head off to my dentist appointment still chatting with Nicole. (I say chatting instead of talking because texting isn’t talking to me. I actually kinda hate texting because you can’t hear or sense emotion and feeling. I would much rather call someone than text.) Nicole and I texted through my dentist appointment and the next couple of hours of work for me. I never actually said goodbye to her, but I had a feeling she had some homework and we stopped talking.

After I helped lock up Sporthaus at 6, I headed home and had some dinner and jumped in the shower again. When I got out my mom asked me to join her in her Sewing Room. I put my backpack down and headed through the kitchen down the dark hallway and into the Sewing Room. She told me to shut the door and told me she wanted to talk. (Timeout! I’m still listening to Explosions in the Sky and the song titled Six Day at the Bottom of the Ocean is playing. I love this song! It’s my favorite one by them. Check it out!) Back to the story. My mom told me she could tell I was feeling depressed. I instantly asked who told her this. She said no one. She could just tell. I admitted to her that I have been feeling depressed lately and I know it.

I can’t explain to you why I feel depressed, but I know I am. I don’t sit in the Barn and cry about how lame my life is or do anything to myself that might hurt me, but I do sit down and write now and lately that has been helping me. I feel better also when I post them for friends to read, so they might understand and maybe help. I guess right now I am saying help me. I try to show that I am strong on the surface, but I am truly weak and exhausted on the inside. Nicole and I ask each other almost every time we talk how are walking is going. If you don’t understand what that means, it means how we are doing with our relationship with God.

As of last week I have started to read small sections from a very small book my youth pastor, Jason, gave me when I graduated high school. In side Jason wrote a note and said and emphasized I READ IT! Three years later, I finally started to read it. The book is titled: Found: God’s Will. I pray every night for my friend and for my family and that He might show me what He wants me to do. But I have been asking myself a lot about everything how will I know what God wants me to do? How do I listen to God? I haven’t made it very far in the book so far but I feel I am on the right path to strengthening my relationship and walk with God. That is part of my struggle, the other half is feeling connected to a group.

The definition of church is the body of all Christians. I have been going to church with my parents my whole life. I have gone to the high school events and have a few friends through my parent’s church, but now I don’t feel that connection. I don’t feel it at the College Group bible study on Sunday nights or at church on Sunday mornings. I was talking to Jason last Wednesday night and he invited me to join his bible study named The Fraternity which is made up of guys that are out of college in the 23-25 age range. I met a few of the guys and started talking with them and I felt comfortable and that I could related to them. Jason is also starting a new church in Selah named Harvest Church. I talked to Jason about going to church there when it starts even though I will probably be heading off to school soon after it begins. I am excited for this, and hope and pray it is the move God wants me to take. I believe God wants us Christians to feel uncomfortable at times and doing this I feel really uncomfortable thinking about it, but I have my brother Brian and wife Kelly going to Harvest with me, so I’ll know a few people.

Peace and Love!

The Reason Why

Michelle told me last night I should make my own blog. I instantly said no way. But she got me thinking about it. I thought about it and well here I am. I posted the original piece I wrote last night that brought up the whole idea of making a blog. Thanks Michelle for the idea of making a blog. I have a feeling I will use it quite often.

Let's title this one Friends.

Alright, finally the computer started and I got Word opened up and iTunes going. Finally I can sit down and start to write or I guess type. I don’t know why I suddenly decided to start, but I did. I haven’t had the most awesome week so far. I guess I’m writing because it’s a way for me to getting things out of my mind and onto paper. Dan Peters has been an a great inspiration for me since I took his English 101 class my first year at YVCC. He has always been an encouragement for me and I have gone on to take English 102 with him and also a creative writing class that same quarter last year. I had heard a lot about him from my high school English teacher Pam Hayter. She read us some of Dan’s poem in my high school creative writing class. I don’t remember too many of the poems, but I do remember both Dan and Pam telling me to starting writing and keep writing as an exercise to get my creative mind thinking. So here I am now writing at 8:23 pm on October 7, 2008 alone in my barn with my Skullcandy Skullcrusher headphones plugged into my MacBook Pro listening to The Album Leaf. I just got done chatting with my cousin Ashley on Facebook. She is one of my best friends. I say best friends, but I really mean friends. I only have one type of friends, true friends. I don’t just have friends. I know people, but that doesn’t make you a friend. A friend to me is someone how asks how you are doing and will actually stand there or sit there and listen to what you have to say. They don’t say it to say it. A friend is someone who will do anything for a person no matter what. Someone who will tell you you are being ridiculous or try to cheer you up on a bad day. A friend is someone you will do anything for and listen to them and just be there. It’s simple really. I only know a few people like this, my cousin Ashley, my friends growing up Adam Schilperoort, Richie Williams, and Will “Wille” Jameson. A few people I have met along the way Nicole Veloso, Dave Shubert, and Robby Mahre. These are my friends. Maybe this sounds selfish or lame, but you know what, I don’t know why I started to write tonight and I don’t care to know why. All I know is I am writing and this is what is coming out. I don’t get to see many of these people very often but when I do it is always a good time. Ashley lives in Michigan, Adam is stationed in Washington D.C., Wille is at school at the University of Washington (Huskies SUCK!), Richie is at school in California, Nicole lives in Oregon and goes to school in Ohio (I think Ohio at least, maybe Indiana? anyway over there somewhere), Dave goes to school at Eastern Washington, and Robby is a slave at a lumber mill in Yakima. Ashley is my cousin, that’s how we know each other. Richie, Adam, and Wille were all my buds ever since my family moved to Yakima when I was 3 or 4, I was always with at least one of this guys in the summers growing up. I have known Dave for quite awhile from church, but we only started hanging out and “doming noobs” for the past two years. Dude has an awesome music selection and I cool relaxed nature about him. Nicole and I met at a Young Life camp called Breakaway near Seaside, Oregon when we were both leaders for junior high clubs. We swapped phone numbers and started talking or texting at least and got to know each other that summer. I met Robby when he got hired at the Sporthaus, we have worked together and skied together for the past two years. If I had money I would sponsor Rob for all the ski races he goes to in the winter. The kid can flat out ski. Where do I go from here. I can’t think right now for some reason. Dan would tell me to always keep the pen moving even if I couldn’t think of anything to write. He would say to just start writing I can think right now and see if anything comes in that time. Have you ever listened to The Album Leaf? Its beautiful. Peaceful relaxing comforting. I wish I had the other two albums of theirs that I don’t have. I think I’m too emotional sometimes. I know I can be annoying too. I know I talk to much. I try to work on these but I fail most of the time. I don’t really open myself up to my family much. They usually see the mad, angry side of me. But during the day at school and work I put on this mask that makes me look together and alright. I can just go from happy to angry in about .001 seconds. It’s my worst habit and I am sorry about that. I am a snowboarder. I am a hardcore snowboarder. I am seriously saddened to see kids now of days and how pathetic they are. When I was getting into snowboarding and even still to this day, I am stoked to get a new magazine every month and to see the new movies every year. And to find out what companies are doing to make their product better than the other companies. It is a life for me, not a thing I do for fun. Kids don’t have respect anymore. I only know one kid who does. Cody McDonald. I see a lot of myself in this kid. He is always texting me to know what gear we got in the shop for the day, and what I think of this and what I think of that. I want to be a role model for Cody. I was never given any opportunities when I was younger and no one helped guide me and show me the ropes. My big bro Brian ditched me at the top of the hill and I taught myself how to snowboard. I hated it at first. Thanks Brian! Everything I know now I taught myself. I am trying to teach Cody everything I know and its kinda weird how I feed off his energy also. The kid is 15, he isn’t “Shaun White” but he is a solid rider and he has the potential to do some cool things. Snowboarding is fun for me. I love the mountains. It is my place to get away from the rest of the busy world and relax. I have ridden in the trees a lot in the past year. Flying through the trees on a snowboard is like nothing else. Fresh snow below you and no one around. When you stop you can hear nothing, nothing but the snow falling and settling on the ground. Yes you can hear that. You have to listen closely though. I like to think of myself as a hippy. I love nature. I don’t eat organic foods all the time or have dreadlocks, but going outside and just listening. Sitting there, by myself in physically, but sitting there next to God, enjoying His masterpiece. I should have mentioned this first I love God. I thank Him everyday for the day I had whether it was bad or awesome. There was always something good about it. I try to learn more about Him, but I am not the best at keeping to things. I should read my Bible more and do a devotion. I take for granted so much every day. My family, my friends, my job, my abilities, and all the small things. God is awesome! He is forgiving. He know I am going to screw up about a million times a day and He forgives me every time. I could never do that if some one kept messing up over and over, but God can. That’s awesome! I thank God every day for my friends and pray for Him to protect them and watch over them. A few of my friends aren’t into the whole religion thing, but it doesn’t stop me from praying for them. Everyone desires to know they are loved and someone is watching out for them. Jason Williams my youth pastor in high school always ended Sunday school with the most awesome saying ever. “You are loved!” Isn’t that awesome? Have you ever heard a person with an Australian accent say, awesome? It is the coolest sounding word ever, when it is said with an Australian accent. It’s 9:26 pm now. I’ve been writing for over an hour now. Non-stop. Never done that before. I don’t like being in college much right now. I want to become a teacher or at least get my degree in it. Back to snowboarding, I read a ton of snowboard magazine articles and interviews, and lately I keep hearing the same thing from the top professional riders out there, and that is, if you want something go for it. Don’t let people tell you what you can and cannot do. Be yourself and if you truly want it, you will get it. I think I have been subconsciously living that the past few months. I really want to snowboard and have a career in that industry whether it be a pro rider or a shop technician. That is what I love to do and it is what I want. I read an awesome interview in Transworld Snowboarding last week. It was an interview with Janna Meyen. OG girl ripper that would throwdown with the dudes back in the day and is still ripping it up now. She talked about her life and how it wasn’t easy and the drug use and hating everyone and everything, but her brother and her started going to church and now they are both super happy and are Christians and love God. It was cool to read that in a magazine that hundreds of thousands kids read all across the country. She had a few tattoos that I thought were awesome, one read, God’s Daughter and another that says, Thy will be done. (I think, pretty sure though) Man Album Leaf is some good stuff. The world needs to listen to these guys. Another thing. Girls. I’m borderline pathetic in this department. Ashley thinks I’m too desperate and I am wanting it too badly. But I honestly don’t think that. There are some girls I like and whether they know that or not its fine by me. Everyone says dating is a game. Pretty dumb game to me. The girls are the ones the run the show. If they like a dude they get him. But I dude doesn’t always get the girl he likes. Which is lame. This game of the dude is always calling, or texting, or messaging the girl to much or vice versa is lame. To me if you like someone it is ok to do that, but no like at 2 in the morning. That’s ridiculous. Saying hello everyday is all right to me. It’s nice to talk to someone and say hello to someone you know and care for. Am I right or wrong? If a girl thinks a guy is being too annoying when the dude says hi everyday or good morning everyday the girl is the pathetic one. Maybe the whole goal for the guy in the day is to make this girl smile and feel like she is liked and some one cares for her and want her to know she is special. Am I making sense or is this a bunch of garbage to you. I’ll say this too. There are some dude who are total creepers, most live in Naches, Washington, and every girl should stay far away from them. I’m debating whether I should post this on Facebook so people can read it. I think I will but I will take out some stuff and keep it for myself. I could probably keep going, but I will stop for tonight and maybe write more later. Peace and Love!